Jude's World

   

    Lack of emotion. Loss of words. Withdraw. It is called Regressive Autism and it crept into my house and right into Jude when I was preoccupied basking in the holiday season. My morning wake up call went from "hi...mama" to Jude banging his gtube stand against my bed because he couldn't find his voice to speak. His mornings were spent obsessively jiggling door handles instead of pretending to read through books.  When his interest shifted from my smile to how fast he could move his fingers through my hair, I knew. I suppose it was the accumulation of all the blatant signs, but there is always that "moment" of clarification.
    Right after the new year, we took him to his neurologist. After multiple visits and tests, we were told what was already known...Jude was Autistic and non-verbal. Autism is well-known, yet highly misunderstood.  It has a very large spectrum so there really is no comparison from one Autistic person to the next.  Jude falls on the "severe" end.  This decision was based off his non-verbal status, withdraw, his lack of a social and emotional connection, and a long list of other Autistic characteristics.  Even though, I had already heard news like this before, the wind was knocked out of me. As always, I had to set my feelings to the side and figure out how to help him. Medications, a communication device, and a shift in the way he receives therapy (thanks to his talented therapist) he has rid himself of his past frustration.
    As time has passed, I have reflected on Jude and all the feelings surrounding his diagnosis. I sat back and observed Jude in his most comfortable surroundings.  Interestingly enough, I don't know many two year olds, as content as Jude. Sure, he is completely immersed in his own world, but he is happy with himself, "gogs' (dogs), and Elmo. It is when he is forced to be removed from his world and plunged into a sea of "normal" that he becomes overwhelmed and quite frankly, annoyed. It is utterly amazing and brings about such joy when you interact with Jude in Jude's world. He lights up because it is a peaceful and happy place. The wave of relaxation that comes over him as he pets a dog. The laughter that pours out as he is bouncing his Elmo doll.  It is simple happiness. As a parent there is a dark side, I have and still do mourn the loss of "normal" things for Jude and I.  I have my moments and I am sure I will have many more, but that is just part of being a parent and loving your child unconditionally.
    As with any new "storm," my little man turns it into a rainbow. He is always a light in my day.  When the "normal" world is stressing me out, I just head into Jude's world and it always puts a smile on my face.